In just 12 hours

[peachy]

7.59am Been dreaming that I can't breathe. Open eyes. I really can't breathe. Look down to see that I have 52 kilos of Bloodhound lying across my chest.

8.00am Removed aforementioned Bloodhound, woke up the Pekingese without getting bitten and carrying a still comatose Pug, I go to open the door for their morning comfort stop. Half open the door and notice a great big Pitbull promenading around my garden. Quickly slam the door.

8.01 Pondering my dilemma.

8.02 Phoned the dog catcher, get asked is the dog dangerous. Tersely reply that I have no intention of finding out.

8.03 Dog catcher is enroute.

8.04 My 3 boys have crossed their legs and look at me with pleading desperation in their eyes. Abandon all ideas of domestic hygiene and put the boys in the bathroom, hoping it does not become habit forming.

8.10 Clean up the bathroom.

8.16 Dog catcher arrives. Takes the Pitbull out of my garden.

8.20 Hear a ruckus out front. Peek through the bedroom window. See the dog catcher in a heated discussion with my new neighbours. (see Footnote ) Dog catcher gives new neighbours a handful of infringement tickets, drives away. Neighbours bring the Pitbull into their own yard, while giving less than friendly looks in my house's direction.

Footnote: New neighbours moved in yesterday.I took a brief glance through the blinds, for 90 minutes or so, saw the dubious quality of their furniture and possessions and realised we could never be friends.

8.25 Sat at the breakfast bar for a very much needed cup of coffee and a lung lolly.

8.45 Go outside and hang last night's washing on the clothesline. ( a Hills Space-saver Decorline)

8.59 Come back inside to check my morning emails. A rush of overwhelming joy. An email from the most wonderful man in the world, love of my life and for all eternity. See the subject heading. Ominus.....something I have to tell you.

9.00 With great trepidation and dread I open the email. Darling Peachy, it read, I feel that I have to tell you that I wasn't always a man. Oh.....okaaaaaay. Ummm.

9.25 After much deep thinking, realise that I am no longer 25 and I do really like the jewellery. Send an email to say this relationship is subject to some serious re-negotiations.

10.05 New neighbours go out somewhere.

10.20 Look through the glass doors and see shredded remnants of my washing scattered randomly around the yard. I go outside and see the Pitbull charging at me. I beat a hasty retreat back to the safety of my domicile.

10.21 Ring the dog catcher. Get the receptionist, with a Nace little Eccent, telling me the problem had been sorted out earlier that morning. With the infinite patience only found in a truly enlightened woman, I explained that the bloody thing came back. In not quite perfectly formed pear shaped vowels she told me to call my neighbours. I replied they had gone out. She responded with, then leave a note on their door. With my blood pressure rapidly rising, I informed her, in increasingly clipped tones, that I had no intention of venturing outside with that thing watching my every move with undisguised malice. For my coup de grace, I added that I am a very old, pathetically crippled woman and just happen to be a close personal friend of my local council member. Madam, the dog catcher is on his way. I did not make the usual statement of gratitude.

10.29 The Pitbull goes home again.

10.30 The dog catcher arrives. I shall leave to your imagination the expression on my face. Naturally he tells me that as the Pitbull is now in its own yard there is nothing legally he can do. Maybe if I got him to stay a while it might come back. Fluttering my eyelashes at him to the point where I was about to become airborne, the cold conclusion struck. I am no longer the answer to a 20 year old boy's prayers. Brainwave: Boys like puppies. (no not those puppies, please dont be common) I let Dr Watson out the door. Oh what a magnificent Bloodhound he exclaimed.

10.37 While he romping merrily with Dr Watson, he looked up and saw the Pitbull was back in my yard and running in his direction. Quickly he caught it with his noose, such a talented lad, whereupon the Pitbull rolled over on its back, kicking it legs and begging for a belly rub. He stated somewhat superfluously that it seemed quite a friendly animal. Clutching my Pug to my breast in flagrant display of maternal concern, I had to say, but what about my little ones. They are so tiny, he might really hurt them. Okay lady, would you like me to impound it ? A craving for vengeance over my shredded laundry overcame my better nature and so with a sad voice and heavy-hearted expression, I softly replied, yes, I think it would be for the best. (feel free to vote at my Oscar nomination announcement)

11.20 The neighbours come home.

11.25 I hear voices calling over the fence. Is anybody home ? I feel a sudden need to mute the television and stay away from the windows.

11.45 The neighbours go out again.

12.00 Gasping for a cup of coffee and another lung lolly, I return the breakfast bar mentally review my harrowing morning.

12.30 It has all been too much. I am emotionally shattered and deeply depressed. There is only one answer, some serious shopping.

12.50 Now dressed and ready to venture forth into the retail world, I check my credit balance online. Oh. Well maybe some light recreational shopping will prove to be as therapeutic.

3.00 Arrived home with fewer parcels that my horrible morning had warranted, but all that my budget allowed, I entered my house. Poor Dr Watson had suffered an attack of separation anxiety and trashed the joint !

3.01 Clawing a track through the debris I reach the phone and call the dog behaviouralist's emergency number.

3.05 Armed with fresh knowledge about canine idiosynchrises, I put Dr Watson on my bed, turn on the fan so that calming breezes will flow across him and proceed with a 30 minute soothing massage.

3.35 With Dr Watson gently snoring at 200 decibels, I put 2 chickens in the oven to roast for the poochie boys dinner.

3.40 I go outside to see if I can rescue any items from my now dessicated laundry. Ralf comes out with me.

3.42 The neighbours come home. Hastily I abandon all plans of salvage operations and head for the back door, but wait, where is Ralf ? Peering around the corner of the house, I see him standing in the driveway watching the neighbours attaching their recently purchased dog proof wiring to their side of the fence. A tense moment ensues.

3.43 After several seconds of softly hissing Ralf come here you wicked little darling (or similar words meaning the same but perhaps a tad more colloquial) I bravely cranked up the speed dial on my chair, flew down the driveway at maximum velocity, scooped up that disobedient Pekingese with one hand, and executed a turn on one wheel to the front of the house and out of sight. With a pounding heart I skillfully performed off road maneuvers till I reached the back door.

4.20 The neighbours leave again.

4.45 The neighbours return looking distinctly sour after shelling out a couple of hundred dollars in impound and dog license fees. The Pitbull romps at their feet in blissful ignorance.

5.00. I start removing the bones from the roast chickens, while staring mindlessly at the television. The show ends, an infomercial comes on the screen. My hands are too greasy from the chickens to handle the remote so I sit there calmly deboning and accepting that my life will not be worth living until I obtain an abdominal workout belt and lose 30kgs in just 4 weeks.

6.00 My hands are aching, my shoulders are so sore, but the chickens are in the poochie boy's bowls and ready to eat. While visualising their delight in filling those poor little tum tums right up with delectable chickens, I call the boys. They come running. Stop at their bowls. Start sniffing gingerly at the possibly poisonous fare that mother has dared to serve them.

6.02 The little boys have stormed off into a corner and are giving me accusatory glances. Dr Watson gave the chicken a trial lick then went back to my bedroom to lie in front of the fan.

6.15 I go to the IGA and pay through the nose for some chopped rump steak.

6.35 After much hesitation and nose wrinkling, the boys grudgingly consume the steak.

6.50 Never being one for strong drink, I decide to fill a thimble with Gin, strictly for medicinal purposes.

7.57 Now I am very well medicated albeit for some strange reason, seeing double, I meander my path across the house to my bedroom. I half drag, half roll the Bloodhound 30 centimetres to the right so I can claim the very edge of the mattress for my own.

7.59 I pass out. My day has ended.

Peachy

[Jeff Searle]

Whew! That was exhausting just reading it, it was an adventure. Well, good luck with the neighbor's dog.

[Pip]

The things we do for our dogs.

[sur4z]

...ditto...that read wore me out!...should be a script for a reality show.

[NApalm]

Great read Peachy!

[palmislandRandy]

Another day in paradise.

[trioderob]

"Darling Peachy, it read, I feel that I have to tell you that I wasn't always a man"

...............................

[Pando]

Now that was entertaining. You should write a book!

[peachy]

I firmly believe that posts should be informative, interesting,entertaining and with a slight touch of humour. Naturally with these beliefs, I have to write them myself.

Peachy

[redbeard917]

Loved it. I have many neighbors with pit bulls. Some seem to spend their entire lives going in circles on a 10 foot chain and barking at the dogs in the next yard. The spinning chain denudes the ground of all plant life and the owner screws the anchor down a little more. The dog has nothing to do but keep running in circles and the owner keeps screwing it down until they end up with a 5+ foot deep inverted cone of bare earth that looks like a bomb crater with a screw anchor in the center. I'd bark all day too if I was confined to that existence. One of my main motivations for getting my education in mid-life is moving to a better neighborhood. Also, we have IGA here too.

[DoomsDave]

Ah, Peach

That was highly educational!

I now know what a lung lolly is.

Hmm.

Hope you can make peace with your neighours!

Bad furnishings notwithstanding . . . .

[Cindy Adair]

Peachy, when I first began to frequent PalmTalk, your posts were one of the things that kept me coming back when I couldn't keep any of the Latin names straight.

You always make me smile and as a veterinarian your dog references are a plus. Keep writing and I'll keep reading and smiling!

[Josh-O]

I firmly believe that posts should be informative, interesting,entertaining and with a slight touch of humour. Naturally with these beliefs, I have to write them myself.

Peachy

I totally agree

[PalmatierMeg]

Great read, Peachy. My next door neighbors got a miniature schnauzer some years back. Even as a puppy the little beast took strong dislike of me and would lunge and snarl every its besotted owner walked it over on a leash. There is a 2-lot site between our houses but the little dictator was determined to invade and conquer our property. It would try to sneak up and blitz me while I tended my back yard palms. Nothing like hearing the thump-thump-thump of feet roaring up behind you. I whirl around and the schnauzer goes into a barking, snarling rage, all the while lunging forward and back seeking a tooth hold. I have to slowly back up to the screen door to the lanai and slip inside - a prisoner in my own house.

Our neighbors are nice people. My husband went over to tell them I was "terrified" of their miserable dog (terrified of ending up torn and bloody). Since then they have kept the dog under relative control, although it is alpha dog in that household. Now it throws it barking, snarling fits from a distance. I hate miniature schnauzers.

[LJG]

Glad to see you back.

[Jerry@TreeZoo]

Peachy, honestly, if you are not earning a living by writing, you are missing out on a sure thing.

[peachy]

Loved it. I have many neighbors with pit bulls. Some seem to spend their entire lives going in circles on a 10 foot chain and barking at the dogs in the next yard. The spinning chain denudes the ground of all plant life and the owner screws the anchor down a little more. The dog has nothing to do but keep running in circles and the owner keeps screwing it down until they end up with a 5+ foot deep inverted cone of bare earth that looks like a bomb crater with a screw anchor in the center. I'd bark all day too if I was confined to that existence. One of my main motivations for getting my education in mid-life is moving to a better neighborhood. Also, we have IGA here too.

I know what you mean, I dont exactly have a Park Ave address either and large aggressive dogs seem to attract a certain class of people, who should never be allowed to own pets or reproduce. A dog should be a much loved member of the family not just a status symbol to show how tough you are. (actually I had to clean that up a bit)

[peachy]

Great read, Peachy. My next door neighbors got a miniature schnauzer some years back. Even as a puppy the little beast took strong dislike of me and would lunge and snarl every its besotted owner walked it over on a leash. There is a 2-lot site between our houses but the little dictator was determined to invade and conquer our property. It would try to sneak up and blitz me while I tended my back yard palms. Nothing like hearing the thump-thump-thump of feet roaring up behind you. I whirl around and the schnauzer goes into a barking, snarling rage, all the while lunging forward and back seeking a tooth hold. I have to slowly back up to the screen door to the lanai and slip inside - a prisoner in my own house.

Our neighbors are nice people. My husband went over to tell them I was "terrified" of their miserable dog (terrified of ending up torn and bloody). Since then they have kept the dog under relative control, although it is alpha dog in that household. Now it throws it barking, snarling fits from a distance. I hate miniature schnauzers.

Just last week I babysat a mini schnauzer and by the time they came to pick him up I was ready to punt the rotten thing over the back fence. It was lucky that your neighbours were responsible enough to contain it to their own yard. You have a right to feel safe on your own premises. I am still getting filthy looks from the people next door, but I remain unrepentant.

[peachy]

Peachy, honestly, if you are not earning a living by writing, you are missing out on a sure thing.

Too much like hard work Jerry, I am still waiting for a rich husband, whatever he started off in life.

[Dr. George]

12:00 - 12:30 PM :floor: :floor: :floor:

[Pip]

In just 12 seconds these 3 can wreck the house. Luckily the red lounge is where they like to be, enjoying a lazy life.

[Ken Johnson]

I can't believe I read the while thing! Thanks Peach.

[DoomsDave]

In just 12 seconds these 3 can wreck the house. Luckily the red lounge is where they like to be, enjoying a lazy life.

20150112_172316.jpg

The Borzois of Doom!

[BS Man about Palms]

I missed the revelations of Peachy... glad to see you and your wit have returned..